The Big Fish

It has been hilarious listening to the radio the last couple of days hearing England fans complaining about how rubbish they are, and how McClaren should be sacked and Lampard dropped and Rooney too and.. and... and....

All that wailing drowned out the sad cries of Wales supporters, who lost 1-0 to Ireland. Not that terrible sounding, but Welsh people are not renowned for their optimistic viewpoint, so no surprise to hear a lot of moaning people coming back from Dublin. On the other hand, as a friend pointed out, this is the first time in living memory that Cardiff City would in all likelihood beat Wales in an imaginary game. Obviously Cardiff would get Ledley and Parry back, but then Wales do have Bellamy and Giggs. Not a lot else though. Simon Davies? No?

Anyway, both Wales and England are taking on the Big Fish this week, with Wales at home to San Marino (not much call for tickets I hear) and England away to Andorra. Andorra are rated 163rd in the world according to FIFA. A quick background check into Andorra's form tells me that they have actually won two games since their inception in 1996, beating Belarus 2-0 in 2000, and Albania 2-0 in 2002. More recently (October 2006) they lost 7-0 to Croatia.

Wales' opponents, San Marino, are ranked 196th (it makes you wonder who all those nations are between 163 and 196 -England? Wales?) and their team was established 6 years earlier than the Andorran team in 1990. Their best ever victory (only victory actually, but who's quibbling?) was a 1-0 win over Liechenstein in 2004. More recently, last September they lost to Germany 13-0. Interestingly, Liechenstein are ranked one place higher than Andorra, and their best ever victory was against Luxembourg - a magnificent 4-0 away victory in 2004. On to Luxembourg: they are ranked in between San Marino and Andorra at 178. Their biggest victory was in 1948 when they thrashed Afghanistan 6-0. You can see where I'm going with this, can't you: Afghanistan are ranked just behand Luxembourg at 179, and their biggest win was in 2003 against the well known nation of Kyrgyzstan when they won 2-1. Bloody hell, fancy having to make up a country just to win. Anyway, following the trail it turns out Kyrgyzstan is a real country and they are almost a proper team, being ranked 145. Fantastically their biggest ever win was against the Maldives in 1997, thrashing them 6-0. The Maldives, however, spit on the likes of Andorra with their lofty ranking of 158, and their best ever win was against (I love this) Mongolia, who they absolutely hammered 12-0 in 2003. Really. 12-0. Mind you you should note their 17-0 defeat to Iran in 1997.

Anyway, on to Mongolia - we're back down to 184, and a cracking 5-0 against Guam in 2003. (Honestly I am not making these up). We're reaching low, low levels here, with Guam ranked down at 199 in the FIFA rankings. But don't think this is the end, no no. Before moving on we should note Guam's biggest ever defeat which was when they lost 21-0 to North Korea in 2003, but the game I wouldn't have minded seeing was the Guam victory over Pohnpei (no I don't know who they are either) in 1998 where they won 16-1. Really. 16-1. A team SO MUCH WORSE than 199th in the world Guam they lost 16-1. So let's find out about Pohnpei: It turns out to be one of the four federated states of Micronesia (honestly - look on the right) and their team is not affiliated to FIFA. They have never won a game, although in 2001 they did celebrate a 1-1 draw at home to Yap (another of the Micronesian islands), and (as Wikipedia says - where else did you think I was getting this stuff?) some say they are the worst football team in the world. City have just signed their striker. Warren Feaney.

And there are no easy games in football, as they say. Except for the Scots, who play Italy tomorrow. Piece of cake.